I had a dream last night. It wasn't a pleasant dream. A dream that would make me wake up in fear, sadness and anxiety. I don't know what it signals, what it could mean. But, I do know that as of right now, I am nothing. I'm just a random person who showed up out of no where. I shouldn't be too high of myself. I am no expert, nor am I genius. I feel as if I will always be overshadowed by her past. A past she really cannot let go of. The pain, the tears and the fears. I am no miracle worker, nor am I a savior.
I was told that, when you really love someone or you think you really love someone so dear. No matter how much pain, they inflict to you. You would still be there. You wouldn't leave. And that you would do anything to get back with them. This is what worries me. This dream, sent off this message to me.
"Have you ever been in a relationship with someone, and you fought more then you talked with them, cried more than you laughed? And somewhere down the middle, you started to ask why you were even together. I've learned that sometimes the only reason we hold on to a person is because we don't want another to have them. I mean consider all the emotion, time and tears you've put into that person. Gets to the point where the memories are all that keeps you together. You grow comfortable. And so you, or we... find it hard to start fresh with someone else. As a result, once they're finally gone. Finally no longer yours. Its a lot harder to let go. Selfishness, Envy, Sadness, Hurt, that and the good memories just flood your mind. And you wish you could just have those good moments again... right? In life we learn to love and we learn to hate. And somewhere in the middle we confuse the two. Often a heartbreak can cause someone to believe that they love someone, when in all actuality every word and action they say will prove just the opposite. Love, cant hate. Love is incapable of being selfish. Love, can only love."
This quote she sent me. It explains a lot. It explained how I felt about 5 years ago. It explained how she felt months ago. What I experienced is nothing compared to hers. I was much younger, much more naive. I can only imagine how hard it is for her to try to move on. How much more difficult for me, to climb those walls. To break through her barrier.
I really envy. Envy all that she has put forth for someone that didn't felt the same in the end. I sometimes wished I appeared earlier. Maybe it could have been me not him. Maybe I could have done better. Maybe I am just imagining the impossible.
"i know you've been doubting my feelings towards you. but i can seriously say that i do like you. we connect so well and have so much in common. something ive never experienced really. but at the same time. ive never really completely moved on. like i still care about him. i would check up on him and look back in the past. however its gradually decreasing because of you. because of you i can finally heal and be myself again. im happy because of your presence. because of you im determined that i will fall for you. fall even harder than the last. lao gong keep it up and make me fall for youuuuuu <3"
It really meant a lot for her to say this to me. Because I know that deep down, she hasn't forgot. I know that deep down, those feelings never went away. As much as I would like to believe that I am helping her move on, really I don't think I am doing much. As much as I do believe that she does like me, I feel that she is restricted. She lives in fear of the past. How do I know? Those conversations, those painful ones. Her doubts and her worries. It clouds her mind. It clouds her heart. I really poured my heart out for her. I haven't cried for someone since my last breakup. I don't know why.
I just have this fear. This fear that she is pretending. That all I am is a replacement. A spot holder. A distraction. Even though she said those things, I don't think it was her honest words. It seems more like to reassure me. Her judgement of me is greatly impacted by her past. I fear that one day, she is going to tell me that, she never did like me like that. And that it was one sided the whole time.
You know. I wanna feel needed and wanted just as much as you do.
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