Stuck at a Crossroad.

I knew this wasn't going to be easy. I might of bit off more than I can chew. Maybe, I shouldn't have went for it. Maybe I should of just acted the way I used to act. Maybe, it is a lot for her to handle. Maybe, I am just adding another burden to her emotional status. But, whatever maybes I can think of, at this point it is no use. What is done is done, I can only try my best to keep it going. Keep Us moving forward.

From time to time, I always worry that she keep being reminded of the past. The past she doesn't want to face again. I really try hard to not remind her. But, from time to time, she still speaks about it. As if it all happened only a few days ago. From this, I just know. She really can't move on. It might of only been less than a three month relationship, but the tears and pain she went through clearly left a scar on her. It has been a little more than two months, but really it isn't enough. I shouldn't have tried to force myself in her mind like that, I knew I was wrong to do so. Sure, my intention was good but at this point, I don't know if I am helping or hurting.

I have made her cry about 5 times so far, 5 times I have heard her cry over the phone. 5 Times, I felt really helpless and useless. She is emotionally unstable, I know that. But, I feel as though I am not doing much to help her return to her old self, her old self that I first talked to a year ago. Sometimes, I really wished that I had tried to meet her in person earlier, like the time she told me to come during September. I really don't remember why I didn't. Maybe, things could have gone better. Maybe...she could have skipped that part.

Since the end of May, she has been stuck in the past. No matter how much she tells me, she is slowly moving on. I know that deep down, she isn't really. I can see it, it is quite obvious. As much as I feel sour inside, I really don't know the intensity of the emotions she felt. She is stuck at a crossroad. I am waiting for her on one side, and on the other side, someone or something else is waiting.

I feel like what she is going through right now, is merely test for herself. Does she really feel the way she claims about me or is she just using it to try to move on but can't. I should of gave her more time before I confessed. It was silly of me. I didn't expect her to just fall into my arms obviously, but I guess I kind of wanted to distract her a bit.
Make her smile a bit more, make her laugh a bit more. Make her remember how life was 7 months ago. How she used to be. If anything, I want to change her back to the person I met last year.


" okay this is weird but imma say this anyways...but that picture you posted up on fb... it meant a lot to me esp what im going through right now....and when you said 'dont lose hope' it hit me hard.... it was something i wanted to hear. thanks for those words, wei :) .......sorry this is so weird coming from a stranger haha"

I was really surprised to see this. Technically I didn't know much about her at the point. I didn't even know she was in a relationship until she hinted at it. After reading that message, I just knew she is going through a breakup. Where she gave her heart out, just to be played with and taken away from her later on. She then lost herself in a cloudy depressed mindset. Trust no longer is a word she believed in. Betrayal hurts so bad. Few people knew that. I was really surprised to be told what was going on. Since, at the time I was still kinda of a stranger.

I felt the urge to reach out to her more, to talk to her more because I know she needs someone to listen and talk to. Maybe I can use my so called "wise words" to guide her back on track. A relationship breakup is huge, it changes people. I didn't want her to change, or end up to not ever trust anyone. I like the feeling of being able to help someone in their darkest moments.

Somewhere, I began to develop an interest. An interest that I once did have the year before. I just started liking her. Somewhere between the skype conversations, fb messages and phone calls. I fell for her. Up til Dorney, I began to realize what I felt wasn't an illusion, I did like her. Now, I like her a lot more. After each incident, I feel like I get to know her more and like her more and more.

I was stuck at a crossroad too. Whether or not to pretend that I felt nothing and go along or show my feelings. I don't know what made me choose the path I used to never choose. My gut feeling was different this time and I went with it. Now that I chose this path, I am waiting for her to also choose it. All I can do is wait....