The everlasting knot

I don't know. Really don't know what the true reason behind this knot is. Perhaps generation gap? Mentality difference or lifestyle difference. Whatever the reason may be, I do wish to untie this knot. It is slowly wearing me away. Ever since childhood. Even until now, I don't know how to untie it. I admire those who have healthy and fun relationships with their parents. Perhaps it is my problem, perhaps it wasn't. Perhaps it was neglect since I was young, perhaps not. It is a puzzle I wish I can piece together.

I claim they don't know me, don't understand me, but did I want to be understood? But did they care to understand me? In their eyes, life seem meaningless. Born to work, work to live, live to only die in the end. It is a cycle I choose not to be in, a lifestyle I did not want. They claim I am more rebellious than my brother, that I dare to do things he did not. Why is that? Because I knew how to think for myself.

I admit, I do get a lot of freedom. I do get more independence. But why? Because I needed it. They see me still as a kid, not understanding what is what in the world. I do not wish to be covered up from the world like my brother did. Close-minded, they are. Open-minded I am. I understand they care about me, but I need to learn things on my own. I need to experience things on my own. For all I remember, I was always on my own. I figured things out on my own, I dealt with problems on my own. Not once do I recall ever asking them for answers.

I am grateful for the home and food provided, but in the end, I still feel something missing.
A happy, closely bonded family.