Its been a while.

Almost one year ago, in this month. She endured a hard truth. A painful experience. Now this year, again. Will she have to go through another one. The answers lies with me.

I have gone a long way since last year. Done a lot I never thought of doing. Felt so many emotional moments. All because I chose to chase her. The first 3 months was simply the best. Mid 4 months was good and then these past 3 months wasn't as good.

Slowly our problems pile up, differences start to show and things just didn't go the way we hoped. But we stuck together, to fix things because we both didn't want to give it up. Love was there.

The problem is me. I lost the motivation I had. Everything felt redundant. Lost excitement. We do the same things over and over. The only fun things to do are eat and watch drama. I become weary, tired and lost.

I lost patience. I lost affection. I lost attention. I lost my old self. I've become everything I said I will not. I contradicted all that I have said. I am moody and often flip on and off instantly. I don't know what to do. I lost the clingyness I had. I lose the cheeseness I had. I lost the motivation I had.

From each argument and breaking point, I lose a part of myself. To this part, I feel numb.
I'm prideful, judgemental and stubborn. I want things done my way. I wanted to change her lifestyle. That became my goal. Instead of bringing her happiness.

I wanted to sleep more but end up rarely sleeping. Every night I wonder what is she doing, why is she never sleeping. In the end, I never got as much sleep as I wanted. It wasn't the same. I miss talking on the phone yet I am unable to stay awake up til 3am. I would want to sleep at 11 latest every night but never do.

I decided to do my own thing and she does hers, hoping it doesn't cause any more arguments. At first I thought it worked, but now I know it doesn't. She is clingy, she wants my attention. Yet I chose to not acknowledge that. I slowly become less dependent on her. She sleeps in late. She stays home most of the time. I slowly go back to my old ways of being single. Play league, go gym and go walk around alone.

Our goals and interests in life start to show its difference. I don't like her being unhealthy. I don't like her procrastinating. I don't like her being sick. So I take it upon myself to change that. But like she said she needs time. To which I don't know if she has the will to change those habits. I told her, its not for me. Its for herself.

I guess I really don't know what a relationship is. What a healthy one is. What responsibilities do I have as her boyfriend.

I don't dare to ask for another chance, I don't deserve it. I can't change how I am. Sorry.