Recap

Time really flies by too fast, like its been two years since I've blogged. I don't know why I stopped, but I do know why I even begun to blog. It was to get things out of my head and put them in words so that I can reread them later on.
I guess when I have someone to talk to, and tell things to, the blog became useless. But in a way, I feel like I can record myself, I can come back in the future and read the things I wrote. If I ever stray away to who I am, I feel like that rereading this blog will keep me on track. Even now, as I reread my past posts, I can feel and remember what I was thinking or going through at that time. It's funny but interesting in the same time. I guess I can visually see how my thinking and mentality changed over the years. Yeah, I think I will blog more often. Just about anything I could be thinking at the moment.

What changed since 2011....
I no longer am close with a couple people. Especially three female friends. Well, we rarely talk. But when we do, it's always because they have problems and need someone to talk to. I'm fine with that but other than that reason, they have no reason to talk to me. I guess I really don't care for them as much as I used too. Junior year was when I stop giving shit about people. After the first two years of high school, I felt like even though I wanted to help and act like I care about some people, they don't even give a shit so why should I go through all that trouble. I've become a lot more conservative in terms in socializing. Like I would turn down invitations to go hang out with a large group or like act really indifferent in many situations.

I've changed a bit in terms of my mentality in since high school. However, my nature in terms of who I am hasn't changed. I don't think I can ever turn into a bad person, I just can't do it. Especially when emotions and feelings are involved.

Something that really stood out was that, for some reason back in high school. I tend to approach females who are in their darkest moments. I don't know why I cared, it's like I guess I wanted to be there for them because I know how it felt when no one was there for me to talk to. But, I soon realized I was wrong to do so. The theory was that, in a person's darkest moments such as trying to recover from a breakup, they are the most easy. Easy to break, easy to fall, easy to lie, easy to talk and easy to fake. Emotionally unstable, to which anything could just make one break down. Unsure of feelings, easily falling for someone who they think they really like but it is not the case. False sense of security. Trust is no longer a word in their dictionary, but yet it is the thing that can make them fall the hardest. Being very gullible, easy to be deceived. Like, they want to hear certain things and when they do, think it is actually meant by the person who said it. It is all an illusion and I became aware.

I knew how it felt, you just feel like shit. You been betrayed, lied to and hurt. But at the same time, you wish everything would go back to it was before, before the feelings changed. Back when happiness wasn't a myth, it was reality. At the same time, you wish for someone to replace that empty spot. But, really you just want a substitution who can give you the same comfort and happiness. Not so much that you like them for who they are, but for who you hope they become. It isn't fair to that certain person...

Sometimes, I question myself on my actions. Whether it was the most logical choice or was it muddled with emotions.
I am really doubtful, especially when it comes to emotions. I don't feel secure about expressing them because sometimes I just don't get reassurance that I will receive the same type of feeling back...

But, 5 years of going back and forth. I've had enough. I'm tired of using the same excuses. I am better than what I think I am. Yeah I claim that I was scared, scared to try again. Scared to go through the same thing. Scared to get hurt. But after seeing others, just get back on their feet and willing to take another chance. Why can't I do the same?...

I guess that is what changed me once again.