Fear

I don't know why, but even til now I always fear. I fear that her feelings can change. Especially since she isn't 100% recovered, she isn't healed back to how she was last year. I understand that things like emotions take time to heal and I am here to help speed up that process. I knew that for me, this chance I took was a huge one. Of which I can fail miserably and hurt her or I will succeed and return her to her original happy cheery self.

I fear that, she hasn't solidified my place. As far as I am concerned, she can literally throw me out any day. I want to be solidified meaning no wind or water can possibly move me. Feelings come and go. It is how I chose to develop those with her, nurture her feelings for me. But, for the time being, it is very shaky and sure it sometimes cause tears. But, I know that if I can just keep holding on, I can stay for a long time.

I do fear of being replaced, although it might be an overstatement, but anything is possible. I know that once I exert a bit less effort than usual, I increase the risk of being replaced. Why? Because, in her state, she needs someone who can cheer her up, who can have any kind of conversation with her and be there for her. I really fear that someone else is trying to do the same, and want to knock me over.

I admit, I suck at words. I'm not very good at saying things especially when it is sweet talk. Which is why I fear, fear other guys who can really talk , who can really get inside of a girl's mind and lead them on. I dislike flirts for this reason, all they do is play around and joke around. But, I know for a fact that when they are asked to put forth more effort and care, they won't do it because they don't take what they say seriously.

This morning, once i saw a teardrop. My gut just dropped. She wasn't smiling. She wasn't looking at me. I knew something was wrong. Sure it isn't my fault, but somehow it might be. I'm not as funny as him, I'm not as smooth as him. Sure I might lose to him in some aspects, but I know for a fact that I am willing to try more than him. Put forth everything, wager it all. I can bet on that. I really hope...I can solidify my spot, her heart is reserved for me, I can't lose that reservation.

I don't know mind that she calls other people cute, nor do I mind her talking to someone else while talking to me. Why? Because I like her too much to mind, I be honest about being jealous once in a while. Because I care. I care a lot...