2014

The best start to a new year I could ever imagine. Party was fun but in the end it was because she was there with me which made it fun. Honestly I don't like parties like that because I always felt left out or I didn't really want to socialize with other people. This time was a different feeling. I had her to be with. Each and every experience with her are just getting more and more fun. 2014 will be a different year.

Only 2 nights ago, we had another breaking point. I didn't tell her I was home which made her worry. Which led to more deep conversations. She said a lot of hurtful things, like she never did love me and never did fall for me. But I knew she only said that so I would just end it with her. Honestly, I thought of how life would be if we did end, I couldn't bear to see it happen. As much as I told her, she can leave if she is not happy, deep down I didn't want her to leave. I realize that love isn't perfect, nor is life. We both have our own lives to also care about.

Last night, after seeing so much sadness from our two good friends. I realize that would have been us, had we broke up. Alcohol releases true emotions. It really bothered me to see them cry..so much. And their "exes" unable to provide much comfort. Love hurts, it really does. When the person you love the most suddenly stopped, when all the memories you made with them suddenly became nothing. When you go out of your way just to make the other person happy, to realize they couldn't do the same. The balance of love is hard to understand.

Between me and her, our relationship isn't the most difficult but it is also challenging. Our cultural background forbids us to start at such an age, our parents wouldn't accept it like other parents of a different race would. We do hide from our relatives, our parents. So we can continue our story without being interuptted. But we also sacrifice a lot, from our school, work, family and friends. To continue the way we are in the long run, doesn't seem beneficial to either of us. Like she told me, it gets tiring, it gets frustratin, it gets painful.

When i see her in such a weakend state, constant dark circles around her eyes. hearing her shed tears through the phone. My heart sinks. I wanted to bring her happiness not tears. I almost give in to her pleads to end it. And when she does end the call with good luck or take care. I just breakdown completely. I think to myself, I tried. I really did. I gave my sincere heart out, but in the end, our challenges are too great for us to overcome. And I die a little.

She said she doesn't want us to be serious, nor does she see us marrying each other. I admit, that is a fair judgement. We are still young, we don't know what is ahead of us. Whether or not we do get there will depend on how strong we really feel for each other and if life allows it. Like many relationships, you eventually hit a point where you feel bored, tired or not feeling anything anymore. I seen many examples of such, friends and good friends. As much as it hurts, it is fair because people do change and so does feelings.

I really don't know how long we can actually last, but I do know I am willing to give it all I can. But when she feels that I am too busy for her or she is too busy for me, that will be another breaking point. Unless we can slowly grow out of our naive clingyness, like how some couples are, who see each other maybe once a week or once a month and yet still stay together. I understand that she is different, her needs are different. However, how we are now might only drive us more tired and emotional. If we don't adapt or can't accept how busy life can be, it really will be the poison to end us.

Anyways, I am looking forward to a new year. Shaking off all my dust and mistakes. I only seek to grow more mature and be more responsible. Improve myself mentally and physically. And a year with her still with me hopefully. I fucking love her.