Reflection

Being in this relationship, really showed me what my flaws are. Where I fall short, where I falter. How I've changed from we first met til now.

I am too insecure. Why? Because I'm afraid to lose this relationship. It really is the best thing that has happened to me. Yet this only makes it worse. I should be confident in myself, in what I have done for her. Confident in my decisions. Worrying about negative things happening actually increases the chances of it happening. Instead, I should be focusing on what positives I can bring forth.

I am too nice. Why? Same reason. I have this mentality that If I ever tell her no, or I don't want to do this or I don't feel like it. She is gonna think I changed or something is wrong with me. But, now I see that this only makes me seem indecisive, no decision making capacity. I should be able to express myself, what I want to do and not want. Not feeling pushed against the wall. She cares about how I feel, cares about what I want.

I am too self conscious. WHy? It has always been with me. Ever since I was young, I had physical appearance problems that decreased my self esteem. Being chubby, wasn't fun. Being blind is troublesome. Having acne was disgusting. Being short was embarrassing. I get uneasy whenever someone talks about these things, especially when it comes from my own mom. Never a word of encouragement, only humiliation, disgust.

I can act like a kid, an emotional wreck, or a bipolar lunatic. But this isn't me. It's all of the negative thoughts, embarrassing pasts and lack of support. But no more. I had enough of myself.

Be mature, be responsible , be wise. That is what I should be. Wei, dust off the past. She is here to fill all your missing gaps, so you have no reason to ever act as such. Should you continue, she will leave. She is willing to accept you but she has a limit.