Ups and Downs

Fast Forwarding to the present now. Everything has progressed a lot since Dorney. I really don't know if this is what I wanted, to skip the things in between and jump right into it. I feel as though, it is too sudden and I know that when things happen too suddenly, they tend to not last very long. From that night I confessed, up until now. It all feels too good to be true. I think I am creating a fantasy world for myself. Thinking how everything is perfect and what not. But, really it is not. It is not as perfect as I think it to be. A seedling that slowly grew into a spud, will die if it is given too much water and sun...

What happened last night, was really overwhelming. The feeling of hanging from a cliff, hanging with two hands, then slowly finger by finger she pushes. When it all seem over, she gives me a hand and pull me back up. A strong sigh of relief, a troubled mind. Her past, her secrets were revealed to me. Tears leaked out like a broken faucet. The feeling of a thousand needles stabbing against ones heart. I felt as if I was in agony, pain felt through out each word she said. The images in my head, I cried ... It is not fair for someone....anyone to ever be treated like a used object which then gets tossed to the side because they had been replaced. I can't understand, I won't really understand why... She isn't an object, she is a human being just like everyone else. She has feelings, emotions and life. She deserved to be treated better , at least receives the same amount she puts forth.

I can honestly say that she is someone I know I can trust. As much as she teases me about seeing other guys and stuff. I know she is kidding. I don't mind at all. I enjoy it, it makes it more fun.I feel really comfortable around her, I can talk to her about pretty much anything and it is a good feeling. I don't know why, though even though I only known her for such a short time, it felt like I have known her for years. However, whether it is a mutual thing or not, I don't know. Sometimes I feel as though, she tends to bottle things inside and not speak up until she can't handle it and just explodes... like last night. I don't know how much of that I can handle, it can be over whelming. All I want is for her to be happy and that I can treat her the way she deserved to be. Sometimes, I just wish I knew what things she thinks about when she zones out occasionally. Guessing all the time, is hard.

Like today, when she was walking home to her block. No goodbye hug. Jolly skipping or cheesy hearts. It felt weird to me. I began to have this really cloudy feeling in my chest. I don't know why, it just seems different compared to other times. My goal is to make her happy and I really enjoy seeing her jolly and cheesy walking home. But today, it wasn't the case. I felt as if I let her down....

So I look at the pictures we took today, I couldn't help but to smile. Couldn't help but to hope that this sad feeling I have is merely just me over thinking. I can only hope...