What I have been fearing, all this time is now slowly coming true. I honestly tried, I tried to prevent it from happening. I did what I could...I don't have as much free time as other guys, I cherish all the time I do have to see her, I call her every night, I want to skype her every night. I wanted her to know that, I give her my full attention, at all times. I always text her, once I wake up I text her good morning, or if I know that she has a long day, the day before, I would let her sleep a bit more. I ask for her to come to see me at work because I wanted her to know that I miss her a lot. I can't leave work to see her. I asked to see her when I am biking home, because every little thing I do, she will remember. In the end, it adds up.
I constantly have her on my mind. I anxiously wait for her texts to respond. And I reply as fast as I can. I constantly check my phone, I always think that it vibrated, but it didn't. Even at work, I wait for her text. WHy? Because I am afraid that some other guy is trying to steal her attention from me. At this stage, how we end up will be determined in these couple months. It is critical that I try my hardest to show that, out of the other guys, I pay more attention to her. She isn't just another cute face. She much more than that, the more I got to know her, the more I realize how much I needed her.
Now I realize the real reason I have been so clingy lately, it was because my gut feeling told me that she needs it right now. That another guy is also talking to her. That this guy is trying really hard as well, through words. Sweet talk and smooth phrases. I refused to be outdone by him. I really do. I try much as I can to show that I care and that I want to pay attention to her. I can't let it happen, I just can't.
I was really shocked, shocked at what she told me tonight. I didn't know what to do. She felt jealous of another girl that , the same guy who is trying to chase her, is also flirting around with another girl. Why, just why would she feel that way. I don't know. But, I do know that the more you talk and see a person, it will be likely to develop feelings for them whether it was intended or accidental.
I hate. I hate how I can't be there when he is around. I hate that he tries to pull all this shady stuff. I am really upset at myself, that I can't be with her when she needs me. While another guy is pulling the lamest moves. I didn't want to be too upset, when she tells me these things because I didn't want her to feel worried.
But after last night, I couldn't take it anymore. She joked about having sex with another person. I couldn't handle it.It made me worry a lot. I didn't know how to respond. I just blanked out. Sometimes, I really want to tell her that, I don't want her to talk to him no more. But, I can't. Who am I to tell her who she can or can't talk to.
I always try to reassure myself that, she knows how to handle him and I shouldn't worry.
But, after tonight, I worry. I worry a lot. No matter how hard something is, if you keep going at it, it will crack.
Like today, when I saw him. I wanted to hurt him. I really did. I don't appreciate his playful flirting. But, I can't because I didn't want her to be upset. In the end, he is her friend.
I am in a emotional state right now, as I am typing this. I feel angry, I feel sad. I want to cry.
"i just dont wanna lose feelings for you okay. cant you see? when someone else giving me their attention you're not. im trying to fix us. i feel like you dont even care. i feel like its only me tryna fix us."
That when I am playing this stupid ass game, this other guy is talking to her. I shouldn't have played, I shouldn't have...
I don't know, don't know when did I not give her attention. Because I had to play a game with her brother n his friends? That, because of this game, she assumes I don't care....
I really wanted to punch myself. Why did I agree to keep playing? I'm so stupid.
I really don't know, what she meant by that. Was that my daily phone calls, texts and webcams, didn't mean I was paying attention to her. I want to cry because I really thought I tried.
She felt that it was only her trying to fix us.... I want to fix, but how do I?
How do I, control how she feels, control her feelings towards me, prevent her from being exposed to him? Can I say that oh you can't talk to this guy or see this guy or hang out with him? How can I control how she talks and acts around him? All I can do, is pray that deep down, the feelings she had for me were stronger, strong enough to withstand his invasion.
Do I really not try harder or give more effort than him? Just do I... Tell me.
That every night conversations til 3 am, that every chance I had to see her, I go, that I was willing to go to visit her even in a pouring ass rain, that I ask to see her when biking home. Was it all nothing compared to his sweet talk, his touchy self? That all we have been through, the tears and the laughs, was it really not as meaningful as I thought...
Do I really not pay more attention than him? Do I really not put forth more effort to see you than him? Tell me. Tell me what he does, that is better than me, least tell me that. Please...
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