Our Second Month

Wow, a month really has just passed. It felt a lot shorter than it is but it truly has been a month since our 1st month. My life no more feels empty or lonely with her here. The school year really feels different. I never had someone I could talk to literally everyday and almost the whole day. I rarely had someone I can eat lunch with at school. Who can keep me company and do hw with me. Everyday there is a reason to smile, either texts , phone calls or in person. There is no way I won't be able to smile. She is certainly a mood booster, esteem builder to me. Slowly I am becoming more open and optimistic about life. Life isn't bad, it is what you make of it. Chances there to take, opportunities to fill. Just do it is honestly the best slogan for life.

I haven't been the best ideal boyfriend I could be. I still am the average guy who doesn't understand 100% of what happens in a girls head. Although I can certainly tell when something feels different or wrong, it is the fact that I am the cause of the wrongness that bothers me. Why do I keep doing these hurtful things, that in her eye is not fair to her. Why did I not realize it before I did it and only to regret that I did afterwards. She isn't the typical girl, she is different and she has a past that scarred her. I should be the one trying to slowly fade away those scars not pick at it. I don't want to be the guys who don't know how much their gf goes through just to be with them. How much they sacrificed just to be with them. Everyone have to make choices and for someone to choose you over others, you must be pretty damn special.

She chose me over others, she doesn't talk to her male friends much anymore. Yes before, we were official. I was jealous she was talking to other guys, but overtime I thought to myself, I am not a control freak and I don't want to restrict her. It is normal to have friends of opposite gender. But a line has to be drawn somewhere. She took it to herself to make me happy, I should be doing the same. I shouldn't be talking to any girls besides her, unless school related. Or her friends. Sure I do have female friends, but when I look at where I am now, they really don't matter to me. We all go to different colleges, live different lifestyles. Friends come and go, only the ones that actually want to stay friends stay. I've come to realize that this is life. Certain boundaries have to be drawn now that I am not single. I have to be conserved about my words and actions because who I am affects her as well.

Yes she has insecurities, but how can I blame her. I can't blame her, I only blame the guy who was in her heart before me. He didn't cherish her and appreciated her. He left her heart in pieces. I've been hiding the past year and finally came out. I never expected to find her in pieces. So I tried my best to glue it all back, I wanted her original self back. I have to realize when things seem to be similar to what she has experiences, I need to act carefully. He lied to her and proceeded to lie. Lie about him and another girl, that he has a past with. I recognize that now, females that I have a past with are females I shouldn't be interacting with. Sure from the outsiders point of view this is silly but for me, it makes sense. She has this fear of history repeating herself. She risked getting hurt again being with me. After all our encounter did start merely a month after her breakup.

Of course she will have her doubts and insecurities about me. But, I do believe over time it will fade. For her to still be with me is because she does have faith in me, she hopes that i am the guy she has been looking for. I know she is the girl I have been looking for and while the beginnings are always bumpy and unstable. I truly believe we can only progress farther. She didn't give up on me, because she knows I won't give up on her either. It is the verge of losing her, that make me understand how important to really is to me, how much her existence means for me. I will never take her for granted, I swear by it. I only grow to love her more and more each day. More and more I learn about her. She is fun, interesting and always surprising me. I just hope I can stop being too stagnant and boring. Happy 2nd month! I look forward to more adventures and fun with you. Life feels complete.